we are bound by symmetry

i don't feel wanted. when everyone in your family tells you they can't stand you, it's hard to. everyone tells me don't listen to them, you're smart and funny and creative. but they haven't known me for 16 years, they don't live with me. when your own mother tells you you're annoying and bitchy, it's hard to convince yourself otherwise. i try so fucking hard to help people, make them think otherwise of me, like me, be excited for what i'm going to think about a bag they bought or band they discovered, and then i come home to being the scapegoat the underachiever the troublemaker. i'm counting down the minutes until febuary, when i can move in with my dad and finally be fucking happy for the first time in a year.


of course i picked up the phone. of course i kept the conversation going. of course i said i wanted to hang out. of course i invited you to bob dylan. of course i stayed up all night talking to you. of course we'll hang out this week. of course i'll kiss you for the first time in two years. of course my knees will get weak like when we kissed the day i got back from japan. of course i'll fall in love with you all over again. of course you'll tell me that you don't love me back. of course i'll die again. of course i know all of this is going to happen and i'm going to fucking do it anyway because the withdrawal is worth the high.
when we got off the phone the other night, you apologized for canceling our plans and you listened to me cry about my home and you said i have to go to sleep now but i hope everything gets better for you i really do, and i said goodnight and hung up the phone and cried for an hour. i haven't cried over you in over a year but i just couldn't stop. i wanted to call you and tell you all the things that weren't said between us and how much i miss you and love you and i wish i hadn't had anyone since you because you're the most important thing to me and i think about you all the time and hope you're well and that you're thinking about me the same way i am about you but you're probably not.

on the bright side, i got my fucking bob dylan tickets today. the best best seats were sold, but i'm up front on the nearest part of the balcony, so i'm pretty psyched. i don't think i've ever been more excited about a show in my life. kings of leon elton john and the Inauguration Concert combined can't compete with bob dylan. and no homo made me a wonderful cd, with some decemberists, mewithoutyou, manchester orchestra and regina spektor and i must say i can't stop listening to it.

have a good one.