recovery

did you know that the most mexican students know about american history is that we had 13 colonies? when no homo asked valdi who the first president was, he didn't know! i had to explain the whole 'the reason why alot of white people have an aversion to black people is because we stole them from afica and used them as slaves and then there was a big war over it' thing. i also taught him why we're all so fat. valdi is just the most amazing muchacho.

so i have a new boy, let's hope this works. i know i need to put you in the box in the back of my bottom drawer. this new one(not to objectify him or anything) hugs and kisses me in front of his friends and pays for my cigarettes and doesn't complain when i pin him down in wrestling and doesn't ignore me and stands up for me and doesn't bitch about driving to owasso and doesn't ask me if i want to buy weed or rolls or pills but tells me how much better i am without them and lets me sit up front and doesn't keep me guessing and tells me about movies i should watch. everything you never did. so yeah, this should go well. he doesn't like country music, and imma fix that. oh and total bonus points for asking me out on halloween. and those big gaugesss. i'm gushing i'm sorry.

this suspension thing is beginning to grow on me. i've seen a handful of great films and i'm reading that john lennon book that came out last year and my drug classes are a good place for socializing and visiting coachand my work's easy and i've become quite the expert on coffee.

off to watch 'requiem for a dream', so excited.

the sticky tack

is letting me down major. john and yoko just won't stay on the damn door.


bob dylan was just i don't even know. my life will never be the same. these wonderful guys next to us gladly bought me beer, and i met a lady who was prob in her late 40s, shitfaced drunk. we talked loudly in the bathroom and she said that she never wants to look back and ask herself 'why didn't i...?'. it doesn't seem important and maybe it was the alchohol but that conversation changed my life.

i keep biting my lip and cutting it on accident, i should get a mouthguard?

started my dreadlocks, i miss socializing. i miss seeing ksquared's big hair and smiling face on the way to the midhigh(that dreadful dreadful place)and ginger's sweaters and flirting with no homo after lunch and calling cheyman a mancunt and telling coach rhein how much of a douchebag he is and taping stuff to his wall and gossiping with my drama teacher and creeping on my spanish teacher and flirting in broken spanish with oscar and telling dclark my uncle says hey and calling my art teacher una punta loco and being bitches to the freshman in 4th hour and sleeping in biology and eating fries with honey mustard and cookies with milk with pookie at lunch and sneaking off after school to have a cigarette and telling marsh i want his dick and being late every morning with my coffee in my hand and flirting with the cute drama boys while avoiding the ugly ones and walking through those halls like i fucking own the place.

i'm going to teach myself the things they don't teach you in school.

dias de mi muerte.

i'm sorry mom. i'm sorry dad. i'm sorry little brother. i'm sorry really cool teachers. i'm sorry pookie. i'm sorry no homo. i'm sorry kelsquared. i'm sorry big red. i'm sorry bob dylan. i'm sorry reputation. i'm sorry dignity. i'm sorry grades. i'm sorry kelsey cooper.


i thought i was invincible, that i'd always slide right under the radar. i thought the stupid things i do and say wouldn't come back to bite me in the ass. i thought that an old purse wouldn't have old things in it.

i knew things were going too good to be true, that the cloud was going to come and spit out a tornado that sucks up my entire life.

whatever you hear about me, i ask that you don't think i'm a loser, just another pothead who liked drugs more than school. that has never been, is not, and never will be the case. when i get back i'm going to be the hardestworking person in this shitty place with shitty standards of discipline, and i'll prove everyone wrong.


i'm sorry.

hasta luego,

fall break.

hotboxing and nightly trips to downtown with my homohubby, nights with gunner, my cooking show, where the wild things are, and zombieland zombieland fucking zombieland.

i'm actually superexcited for school.


not much to say.

i've got to admit

it's getting better, it's getting better, since you've been mine.

lets hope and pray and wish this works,
i need this and i need you.



it's fall, that means moviebuff season.


UPDATE: you didn't grow up, and i don't need you after all. :)

we are bound by symmetry

i don't feel wanted. when everyone in your family tells you they can't stand you, it's hard to. everyone tells me don't listen to them, you're smart and funny and creative. but they haven't known me for 16 years, they don't live with me. when your own mother tells you you're annoying and bitchy, it's hard to convince yourself otherwise. i try so fucking hard to help people, make them think otherwise of me, like me, be excited for what i'm going to think about a bag they bought or band they discovered, and then i come home to being the scapegoat the underachiever the troublemaker. i'm counting down the minutes until febuary, when i can move in with my dad and finally be fucking happy for the first time in a year.


of course i picked up the phone. of course i kept the conversation going. of course i said i wanted to hang out. of course i invited you to bob dylan. of course i stayed up all night talking to you. of course we'll hang out this week. of course i'll kiss you for the first time in two years. of course my knees will get weak like when we kissed the day i got back from japan. of course i'll fall in love with you all over again. of course you'll tell me that you don't love me back. of course i'll die again. of course i know all of this is going to happen and i'm going to fucking do it anyway because the withdrawal is worth the high.
when we got off the phone the other night, you apologized for canceling our plans and you listened to me cry about my home and you said i have to go to sleep now but i hope everything gets better for you i really do, and i said goodnight and hung up the phone and cried for an hour. i haven't cried over you in over a year but i just couldn't stop. i wanted to call you and tell you all the things that weren't said between us and how much i miss you and love you and i wish i hadn't had anyone since you because you're the most important thing to me and i think about you all the time and hope you're well and that you're thinking about me the same way i am about you but you're probably not.

on the bright side, i got my fucking bob dylan tickets today. the best best seats were sold, but i'm up front on the nearest part of the balcony, so i'm pretty psyched. i don't think i've ever been more excited about a show in my life. kings of leon elton john and the Inauguration Concert combined can't compete with bob dylan. and no homo made me a wonderful cd, with some decemberists, mewithoutyou, manchester orchestra and regina spektor and i must say i can't stop listening to it.

have a good one.