and life goes on

within you and without you.

freshman and sophmore year? ain't shit. i'm a junior, a junior. i remember being in 4th grade and wishing being so excited so ready to be a grown up 5th grader. it's september 15th of 200fucking9 and if this and next year go half as quickly as fresh and soph, i don't know what i'm going to do. the only arrangements that i have as for my first out-of-home-home is that i'm going to have the beatles version of rock band so i can get stoned and play *'within you without you'. which i'll be doing after christmas, anyway. i started school a month ago thinking i was going to be this person, and i've changed more and less than i thought i would within the first month. my current best friend drives a '92 dodge spirit and skips lunch to save money for camel wides, which is my new vice. i quite literally throw on whatever is on my floor and write jokes as answers to biology homework. i'm so so so self-conscious though. i wish i didn't have to treat my hair or check myself from every angle or reanalyze everything before i say it or worry if that look she just gave him was about me but i just do. i was 'dating' a guy, but told him i don't want to hang out with him anymore. he doesn't smell like -, doesn't hug or kiss or make sarcastic communist jokes like -, doesn't have that sparkle in his eye or understnad me or piss me off like -, doesn't become one with me or throw me or give me chills like -. i miss my old art class, more than you could know. i miss the kelsquared and talking about bob dylan and obama and warhol with the mac, having freedom in my work, the looks and silent jokes kelsquared and i gave each other when the weird kids talked to me and did their weird things. i am infatuated with my spanish teacher who **es muy muy guapo y un liberalo!! sarah calls me a creeper. my art teacher told me i should submit an AP portfolio to apply for the college credit, but i've seen the others' work and i have no faith that i can do it but hey it wouldn't hurt to try. god kierst is just so amazing, she worked on this piece for like 4 hours and only had the outlines and the upper face done. and it looks JUST LIKE the photo. not like 'oh, that looks just like the photo, i mean it looks like someone just black-and-whited the photo. i tell her i can't wait until she graduates so i can consider myself a decent artist again.


*'within you without you', i just don't know how i didn't know about this song until last week. you must must look it up, listening to it makes everything sound like utter trash.
**my broken spanish for 'is very very handsome and a liberal!'