naked/then and now

i read something someone wrote today that made me feel a pain and a worry i never fucking knew i had. i cried hard, and the rest of this post was just screaming at me to write it. i'm the kind of person who says what i think not what i feel and hopefully having this wonderful little blog will help me grow out of that, i don't think i'm very good with words. also don't like sharing personal personal things, especially on the internet. i don't want your pity, i just need to write this because it wouldn't be sufficient to leave it in a folder deep inside my laptop.

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i lived in the typical American family. in those days, that meant a loving mother, a doting father, a few kids in a two story house with a dog, a cat, and an suv(in our case, a trailblazer). my parents worked a 9-5 while the kids were at school, and we'd have dinner together every night. my older brother would play with his Legos while i played with my Barbies as the baby was put to sleep. i listened to britney spears and nsync and watched rugrats and reading rainbow, and cigarettes and alchohol and drugs were something i would never ever do. i loyally said the pledge of alleigence every morning at school and played soccer on Saturday mornings, my little self stumbling after the ball while the whole family watched. Mommy and Daddy were perfect, and so was the world.

until the 21st century, when the definition of typical American family was redefined.
my parents are now divorced. because sometimes couples fall in love with other people and they fight and they do things they shouldn't and women who love women decide to hide it and bottle it up for twenty years so they won't disappioint their family. i watched my dad pack his things and the scar is still sore. my dad still works a 9-5, but comes home to an empty apartment every night. my mother glues her ass to her home office chair and her hand to her blackberry while her sons spend their day working on their dragsters and her daughter runs about town doing the things she told herself she would never ever do. i constantly question our rights and governemnt and what this country really does stand for. i wake up hungover on Saturday mornings stumbling to the shower or flipping shit on how i'm going to get home before my mom finds out i didn't really stay the night at A or M's house. i feel sorrow for my Daddy, and i can barely look my mother in the eye half the time because of that wretched woman she brought into my life. Mommy and Daddy are not perfect, and neither is the world.

the year 2009 changed my definition of family.

i have two years left of being a child, but i don't have the protection of my loving parents. my parents are already split up. my older brother is moving to stillwater next year. my mother got a job offer in austin and if she gets it then she's going and taking my little brother with her. i'll be here with my dad. at first it didn't bother me too much that they'd be moving. but after the thing i read today, i'm absolutely dreading the day my little brother leaves me. he's ten and is about to be a young man, and needs a big sister to show him how to get girls. today just the two of us spent the morning at the beach and he asks questions, alot of them. my heart melts when he asks me political questions, i'm sure you know why. as we were walking down the road to get ice cream i gave him the biggest hug, and when he asked what that was for, i said 'because you're my brother'. i was at the hospital when he was born, i helped teach him how to ride a bike, i called those punks that tried to take his money, and it never hit me how special all of that is until today. when he moves, how will he take to being an only child? will he cry because he misses us? will he even miss me?

ok i can't write anymore.