stick up for

yourself son, never mind what anybody else done.

that song changed my life last night.

goodbye, blog.

hungry.

i can't read my older posts. i get about a page or two and then i just close out of internet explorer. i have no idea what is going on in my own life right now. my OHLAP scholarship didn't go through because my fucking parents didn't get divorced soon enough. so i'll be stuck being a waitress living in a shit apartment until i'm 22. i can't paint or draw or write anymore. i still think about you every day.

i annoy the hell out of my classmates because i have nothing relevent to say to them. no, i don't give a shit what was on mtv last night. no, i haven't been to the mall in 4 months. no, i have not seen Dear John. no, i would not like a dorito. no, i am not going to see devil wears prada or fucking upright. i spent my evening listening to BBC news and i borrow my clothes and i watch my movies on sundance channel and i snack on oatmeal crisps and i don't go to shows with little purple-haired scenieboppers because i spent my money on a corporate stadium show because i like being a part of something bigger. not just because i'm a pretentious bitch, but because i. don't. fucking. care. i have no idea where i was going with that, my apologies. i can't explain things in this beautiful eloquent way that you do. i want to lean against a tree and smoke a joint with ashley, and get lost in the woods like we did last spring. being sober is not my best suit.

this great enlightenment i had from not being on the internet in three weeks has been shot and mounted on my wall.

i can do for you

what martin did for the people.

The Reader is a helluva film. shae has me obsessed with beyonce, wth. my weekends have been insane, i'm just scrambled all around these days. right now i am jobless, relationshipless, and my style consists of whatever i can pick off the floor that's clean. all of the above is about to change(excluding insane weekends and love for beyonce), because i am currently talking to quite the handsome boy and i have an 'interview and training session' at maggie moo's ice cream this week. when she said training session it gave me the positive outlook on this. and the fact that they must be desperate because i turned in my application in september.

i broke my laptop a few weeks back, so i haven't been on the internet much at all. (i secretly like it, except that i can't update my ipod)

i'm not inspired by anything anymore. although my bell's palsy has gotten so much better, i'm still terribly self-conscious and i miss my smile and flirty looks and laughing without looking like an idiot.

love, laughing, and money are just a few weeks away.

just gold

i'm addicted to the olympics. and those inspiring canadian tourism, visa, nike, and P&G commercials.

so, i have bells palsy. which means i lost control of half my face. i can't blink in one eye so i have to constantly put eyedrops in, i have to drink with a straw and talk with one side of my mouth. which really wasn't all that bad until my brother told me that i look like 'Little Nicky'. you know, that movie adam sandler did about being satan's son. which made me break into tears and decide i can't go to school like this. the first couple days are the worst, so i won't be gone too long. hopefully it'll be gone within a couple weeks. it's a side effect from this medicine i started last week, the one i begged my mom for months to put me on. fml.

i don't really know what else to say right now. bought a pound of coffee from starbucks this morning, watermelon vodka is just amazing, and the russians have great couples skaters.

guten noct.

nixon was framed,

and kennedy was a commie. just kidding, those are the last words you will ever hear out of my mouth, unless i'm quoting "That '70s Show".

so how is it that in the last three or four months i have barely given a guy a second look, haven't even kissed a boy since around halloween, and then all of a sudden the last week of january, i've had a former fling and two exes texting, talking, flirting, i like a new boy that i have a feeling likes me back, and another two boys decide that i am quite kissable. it's driving me insane. i live the life of a nun for 3 months, and then am thrown into this crazy pool of boys. my eye's on one in particular, and to make things better, he just broke up with his girlfriend. sign? i think so.

school's trying to kick my ass, but like i said back in october, i'm going to work my ass off. bought some more movies this weekend, i got a 4 for 20 deal and my dad made me put back Milk, to buy some crappy morgan freeman movie for him. yes, it is possible for morgan freeman to make a crap movie. i didn't think it was possible, either. my aunt finally said she'd buy my ipod, which paired with my birthday present, means I'M GOING TO SEE ERIC CLAPTON AND I'M TAKING KELSQUARED WITH ME AND ITS JUST GOING TO BE THE BEST THING.

ciggy time. i take complete responsibility for the damage i do to my body, so check your criticism at the door.

i'll put the moon on a spoon

it's 2010. i'm back in school now, done with my required drug classes. i think i want to keep going, if they'll let me. mr murray's just amazing. it's not like it prevents me from toking or drinking, but it makes me more aware of it.

you're still a sore spot. why are you doing this? you're beautiful handsome brilliant, you don't need that. you're a beautiful boy you are i just want to scream. if tears could bring you closer to me, we'd already be an old married couple. i hope that made sense. i limped around all day in a fog, worrying about you. i don't don't don't don't know what to do you don't want me and don't want to listen but i can do anything for you. i'll cook dinner and you can do the dishes, ok? and we'll drink kool-aid like your mom made for us that day and we can have a cat who's mean to our dog and we won't do meth. sound good? good.


i need a cigarette, a high school diploma, and a husband.

meet me in montuak

oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darlin', clementine.
she's me in ten years. i'd like a guy with a bit more meat on his bones than joel. i want a honeymoon on ice and the little box of pot and getting all of our dishware at goodwill and burning incense in the apartment but always smoking on the balcony or by the fireplace. i have a habit of obsessing about my adult life. i know twenty years from now, i'll be willing to give anything to be in this room that i'm in now, with my robert downey jr and avatar posters on the laptop mom bought for me. i'm trying to enjoy it while i can.

i was supposed to go back to school the day after tomorrow, but since school canceled, my last drug class and piss test was canceled as well. so hopefully i won't have to wait until next tuesday to go back. i can't wait another week, i just can't. maybe i can work out some deal with them.

my name is kelsey and i am an abuser. i cannot just sip a few beers, i will chug ten. i cannot have the toasting half of champagne at midnight, i will down five glasses. i will sit outside in shorts to smoke when it's zero degrees and i will dry sob when asked about billy, and text dumb things and just make a complete ass of myself. i'm pretty good at that, y'know. at least i don't smoke pot though, right? three months clean from that, it feels good.

my record player is taking good care of me. te amo, victor.